


Deadly Sins

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Homophobia, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Oh yeah and split personality disorder, Past Rape/Non-con, Religious Guilt, Self-Harm, Why Did I Write This?, joshler - Freeform, self hate, this is so sad wtf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 18:09:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4532076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Tyler is a devout Christian who hates himself because he's got SPD and his other mind (blurryface) is in love with Josh and wow I'm shit at summaries I swear it's better than this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Half of me wants him.   
Half of me hates myself for thinking that.   
My names Tyler Joseph, patient 1207 probably with split personality disorder this place has seen in a year. Some people I've met in my doctors office have six personalities, some are racist or homophobic or evil, some are personified and some have names. 

I call my other half blurryface - mostly because I'm unoriginal and that's all I could think of honestly. But the name kind of fits; he wants me to sin, to fall away from gods grace. Blurryface is gay. 

Now, I'm not saying anything against gays - I have a few homosexual friends - but I can't be. God would hate me. I would go to hell. I couldn't sleep with another boy or touch another boy or else I'd be damned. I don't really mind if other people do that, but I can't. 

When I'm in charge, I can stay on top of that and do right by God, but sometimes my vision goes a little blurry and I can't control myself. I think he's in love with my best friend. 

I can see why, I mean Josh is a fairly attractive person but I can say that in a fully plutonic way. But every time I'm near him (well, almost every time) Blurryface comes out and I just feel off. Like the kind of 'off' I feel around this girl I like, Jenna. Shes perfect in every way and so beautiful and funny and everything about her just messes me up. Sometimes when I'm with Josh blurryface feels like that. And I know it's not me feeling that because I've tried to shut it out but I'm only partly conscious when he comes out. 

I don't know how I know blurry is a boy, maybe because it's just a rendition of myself, I just know. He's basically just the bad parts of my personality being personified within me and coming out to flirt with my best friend. I hate blurry.

Leaving the doctors office, I just came to get me prescription, I really wish Josh didn't come with me. I mean, I love him and he's my best friend but I'm just so scared to be around him anymore. Josh is the only person outside of my family who knows I have spd but no one knows blurryface loves him. I haven't even told my doctor. 

"You alright, Ty? You seem off lately." He asks from the drivers seat looking over at me and snapping me from my thoughts. I can feel blurry creeping up because I notice now that his eyes are such a beautiful brownish greenish color and he looks so deeply concerned with whatever's going on. Fuck, I can't be doing this. I can't let him take control. 

"I'm fine. Just hungry, you wanna grab something to eat on the way back?" 

"Taco Bell?" 

"Yeah that sounds great." I smile flatly. 

Of course we had to fucking sit down and eat inside where we could talk and spend time together. God, I hate that I don't even want to be near him I just can't take blurry wanting to sin. He wants me to be gay. But just for Josh. 

It's weird because he's never acted this way. Even since Josh and I'd been best friends since the seventh grade, blurry never liked him until about a month or so ago. Now every time I'm awake at night I end up thinking about Josh. And whenever I'm with Jenna, he's always trying to butt in and make me crave Josh. 

It's such a confusing situation, honestly. I can't fucking take this anymore or I'll combust or something. 

"Hey I know something's wrong. I've known you better than you know yourself for the past nine years. Is it blurry, do I need to give him a talking to?" He says trying to lighten the mood and I try to laugh. 

"Please do." 

"What's he doing now? God, he's so obnoxious." 

At least he understands how much I hate blurry. 

"Just the same, being annoying and trying to butt in." I lie but not so much. 

"Hey listen to me you're going to be alright. Just keep taking you're medicine and whenever he tries to come out just call me or come over and I'll keep you here." 

"Thank you Josh. I really appreciate it, honestly."

After that he's got his hand over mine which I'm completely fine with, but my subconscious is going nuts. I pull my hand back and give him a weak smile when we get our food from the waitress and we eat, making small talk. I try so hard to refrain from any and all eye contact and when we leave the car ride is less than five minutes from my house. 

"I meant what I said, Tyler, I'm here no matter what time if you need me. I love you bro." 

"Thanks, man, I love you too." I mumble. That's not weird for us to say, we've been saying it for years and now it's just automatic. The kind of automatic when you say it to a family member. Josh is basically family to me. 

That's another reason I can't let blurry win. Because if he falls in love with Josh, what would our current relationship fall to. I couldn't live without Josh, blurry would ruin that for me. 

Even if I let myself be attracted to men at all; I couldn't fall for Josh. But that wouldn't happen seeing as I'm not attracted to men. That's just gross. 

Weeks go by until we're entering senior year and, like always, Josh is laying in my bed as we talk. I'm used to him being this close and blurry should be used to this too by now but that's not what I'm getting. The moon is coming through the window, acting as the only light for the room and I can't help but let my eyes wander to the curve of his lips and how when he pauses his tongue comes out to touch them. 

"You know what I mean?" He whispers, turning to me.

"Yeah." I lie. 

The room falls silent and I can see his chest rising and falling with a soft hum of some slow song backing it up. He began rapping his fingers on his chest to the beat of the drums - it was his dream job. 

"You should go somewhere with your drumming. You're really great." 

He snapped out of thought almost as if my words had startled him and he shrugged. 

"What am I going to do, start a band?" He joked. 

"Sure." I told him. 

"Only if you sing." 

"I'll sing if I can play the piano." 

"Deal." 

"Let's do that," I grinned, rolling into my side and shutting my eyes, "later. Goodnight Josh." 

"Goodnight." 

••••••

"Rise and shine, dumbass, schools starting." Josh keeps nudging my shoulder to the point I sat up and pushed him off the bed. 

"It's too early." I complained. 

I watched him stand up and groan in pain, upset because he hit his shoulder on the way down and I told him how that was his own fault. He scoffed and started changing into some of my clothes. He stood there in just jeans, rummaging for one of my shirts and I couldn't help but watch as the muscles in his back flexed and changed every time he reached up to move a hanger. Josh had a very defined body and fire some reason I was just noticing his back and shoulders and the way he had little dimples over his butt and holy shit he was taking over my mind. I can tell now when blurry is sneaking up on me and can shut him out before he shows up uninvited and grabs Josh's ass or something gay and I close my eyes tightly thinking piss off.

"What?" 

"What?" 

"Did you just tell me to piss off." 

Shit I thought I only thought that.

"N-no sorry I'm just - I don't know, sorry." 

"We're you talking to blurry?" He asks and I nod. I sound like a fucking psycho talking to the other me but it happens far too often. 

"God, doesn't he know everyone likes you better than him? Attention seeker much?" He jokes and sits down by me, "hey this years going to be great. You've been pushing him off so easily lately and I'm so proud of you. Also you and Jenna seem to be getting pretty close, you're getting better. Just stay positive for me, alright?" 

"It's hard to stay positive when you've got this voice telling you to sin all the time, but I'll try." 

"That's the spirit!" He chuckles and nudges me until I laugh with him. 

The day goes by, consisting of getting syllabuses from all the classes, going over curriculum and so on. I have three of my four classes with Josh and, of course, I had to sit with him in all of them; asking Jenna to sit with us in the two we had together. For the most part Josh was in the back of my mind and I had to force him back each time to make enough room for Jenna. She was sitting in front of me in the cutest white dress and yellow sweater and I was only half focused on the lecture we were getting from the English teacher while I was playing with the ends of her hair intently. Every once in a while she would giggle if i tickled her on accident and it was the most adorable thing I've ever heard. As I thought that, other than Josh's giggle, popped into my thoughts and it was so hard not to think about.


	2. Chapter 2

Weeks passed and I realize I can't do this. He's at my fucking house helping me get ready for a fucking date for Jenna's and my one fucking month and I can't stop wishing it was his and my fucking one month. God, I hate myself for thinking this but then half of me doesn't even care. It's like part of me wants to tell Josh to leave and go out and have a blast tonight with Jenna but the rest of me just wants to push him against the wall and devour those plump lips of his. I'm so disgusting, I'm probably going to hell. Well, I am going to hell - half of me is fucking gay. 

A few weeks ago Dr. Craver told me that most people with SPD develop their other personality after something traumatic happens. I think Dr. Craver is an idiot, seeing as I've been this way since I was eight years old and I don't remember anything very traumatic happening to me. He also told me that some peoples other personalities are just the thoughts that they don't want to admit they're having. That's why I'm going to hell - because blurry might just be me not wanting to admit that I'm very attracted to Josh.

I hate that he's so pretty, I wish I could just stop being friends with him. But then I'd have to go through life without him and I'd honestly rather die than not have him. Which means I'd better be gathering some rope because if he finds out he'll walk off and not look back.I mean, I don't really think he would hate me for what blurry thinks, but I can't risk it just in case. And, although our date was superb (I couldn't ever get enough of that girl) blurry was always poking his head in where he didn't belong.

 

We were walking to our third period class about a week after the dinner when I watched a gay couple walking down the hall beside us holding hands. My initial reaction was to think it was gross or weird but I realized I wanted the same thing. I wanted to hold a boys hand and smile while we walked places together. I wanted that boy to be Josh but that would be so gross. 

"I always knew they'd get together eventually. They're really cute together." Josh muttered when they were out of sight. 

What. 

Did he just- is he okay with that?! 

"Yeah I guess."

"Don't tell me you hate gays."

"No, no I don't I'm just not. I don't really care what other people do but - I don't know; maybe I'm just a Jesus freak.."

He nodded silently as if he was biting back a response. 

"I mean I'm bi." He muttered. 

"I don't hate you, Josh. It's cool if you are you're still the same dude I've been best friends with for years. I still love you I'm just not gay." 

Of course this would be the best time to slip blurry into the speech before he took over for me. 

 

"I've just not wanted to say anything because i wasn't sure what you'd say, you know. I know you're not the biggest fan of that and i just didn't want you to hate me."

"Dude, I could never hate you. I mean, I think blurry's gay - he's got a huge crush on this dude." I really was praying at that point that he wouldn't ask much about that or who blurry likes and thank God he didn't. I know he was obviously intrigued but i think he could tell i was still uncomfortable, so he left that alone.

"Hey, don't beat yourself up over it, its not even you. If it was theres nothing wrong with that"

I didn't exactly feel like telling josh I was going to hell for it. That'd be just as saying he was going to hell which, in my beliefs, he was going to be damned for loving. I wasn't even sure why, that's just what the Bible says, so I believe it. It'd be cool if the Bible made the tiniest bit of sense sometimes. 

••••••

It was Sunday once again and I was sitting in the front row of church in an unbelievably uncomfy dress shirt in an unbelievably uncomfy situation wedged between my father and Josh. Josh was doodling aliens and planets on the bulletin and I wished to god if grabbed one because this sermon was one I was dreading. 

"And as is it said in Leviticus 18:22 - 'you shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.' And the Lord repeats himself in Revelation. In Revelation 21:8 the Lord says: 'but as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, the idolaters, and all the liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.'" 

I lessened as the pastor, Marcus, screamed the filthy words. I felt like he was calling me out directly and I visibly shook with the echo of the church pews. Every clap and holler and 'amen' had my stomach nauseous and a lump growing in my throat. I pulled out my phone to check the time and thank God there was only ten minutes because I was fighting back sobs at each word he spoke. Unfortunately, he continued.

"Ladies and gentlemen the Revelation is upon us. The time is coming just as He has ordered. As you live your life and the rest of your week please keep in mind what the Lord is asking if you. More now, as it's toward The End, than ever before. I want to see each and every one of you when I get to heaven. 

Honestly I was tempted to just break down there. I couldn't handle that anymore. I didnt want to be gay, I didn't want any part of it. I wanted to see all these assholes in heaven when I die. I want Josh to come too. But fuck I know neither of us really want this -although he might - so why is this happening? 

Sometimes I hate breathing. 

I know blurry wants me dead and, to be honest that's the only thing other than Josh that's kept me alive this long. 

Apparently Josh knew something was wrong because he tugged me to the restrooms after church was dismissed, locking it behind him. As soon as the door locked, I dropped to the floor sobbing and he held me tight. No words were said, none were really needed in the situation. He just held me while I shook and cried and tried not to just scream and he knew I only had him and that in that moment it was just us and no one else would understand. We both understood that one thing.


	3. Three.

I hated myself. I didn't need to say it, the fact was pretty evident. Josh probably hated me; not that i had even said anything to him yet. But he knew, i could tell. i just sat there crumpled up on the floor and he knew what was going on. I had no choice anymore. 

"Josh I'm-"

"I know. It's okay."

"No," I accidentally snapped, "It's not okay, alright! I'm disgusting, I hate myself, Josh!"

At that point he pulled back and slapped me hard on the cheek and instantly it was stinging. I pulled my hand to my face quickly and stared up as him in sheer confusion. What did i say wrong?

"You're not disgusting, Tyler! Stop saying that."

"I'm a mistake! Don't you get that! I wasn't supposed to happen!" I was sure as soon as o said that he was about to rear back and slap me on the other cheek. Fortunately, all he did was stare in bewilderment. 

"God doesn't make mistakes. You're like this for a reason. He made you like this for a reason, so accept that. Gay is okay, Tyler." 

I didn't even know what to say. 

"I thought you said you wouldn't hate me. You know I'm gay, why do you hate yourself so much?" 

"I don't have a say in other people's choices, but I don't want that for myself." Does that make sense? I hope he gets what I'm saying. 

"When will you get it through your thick skull that this isn't a fucking choice? I was petrified when I realized it and I spent so long trying to get it together but I couldn't help myself. I like guys and I like girls. It's not bad, and I'm proud of who I am. I'm still always going to be the same Josh you always knew." 

I was silent. Of course I didn't hate him, he was my best friend for fuck's sakes! Hell, if anything I was in love with him! All I could do was nod and apologize because really what the hell else was I supposed to do. As soon as I felt another tear fall, he was back hugging me tightly and I knew I loved this dweeb. 

"I love you man, I'm so sorry I flipped." 

"It's cool, I love you too." He shrugged and helped me get up off the floor. 

"I'm gay?" I said unsure about myself and Josh shrugged. 

"Do you like Jenna a lot as in romantically?" 

"Of course." 

"But you still like guys just in general?" 

I nodded, more sure this time. 

"Well you're bisexual. Or biromantic, they basically mean the same but ones sexual and the others romantic. I'm both, too, it's not as bad as you think." 

I nodded again and hugged him tightly reciting it to myself in the mirror. 

I made sure my face was clear and that no one would have a reason to stop and ask what was wrong. I told josh I wasn't ready to come out to anyone else and he said that he was doing the same thing. For some reason I automatically felt like this weight was lifted off my chest and finally I was okay with myself and can't tell you how amazing that feels, to be good and okay. It's nice. We walked out to the parking lot silently when I saw someone I was dreading for the first time ever. 

"Hey, where were you guys?" Jenna cute little voice chirped. 

"Just talking to some people in the halls." I chuckled nervously. 

"Oh, well I'm waiting on my mom, I guess she's doing the same thing." 

Out of nowhere she waved goodbye and ran to find her mother in the sea of people all wearing the same colors of dresses and suits. I sighed and followed Josh to the car, loosening the tie around my neck. The car ride home is silent. We made small talk every few minutes but it's no different from any other car ride we've been on. I like being in the car with Josh. As we pulled up to my house, he almost always stayed the night at my house unless he had to be home for some reason. 

It was nice since we went home and just played video games and ordered pizza like we always did and nothing way different. I don't know why I had it in my head that he would treat me any differently but I was overjoyed that he didn't. I knew I had never lost my best friend and I was just so glad that by some chance we became friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow sorry that was so much shorter that usual I promis they won't all be this short it's about to get good


	4. four

It has been weeks. Blissfully frustrating weeks, albeit, but weeks - probably four. I had seen so many Sundays, and so many times spent in the bathroom crying on Josh after a sermon. I still hadn't even told Jenna; I'm not sure I even will. Things are perfect.

Well...

No! Things are perfect. Perfect, except for Sundays and the fact that i'm still completely head over heals for my best friend. I just won't tell Josh I like him. It's worked this far, right? I mean I know I tell him everything (minus the infatuation I have with him and the nightmares I've been having) but this is different.

Why would I tell the only person who would never leave me the only thing that would make him want to leave me? Exactly, I wouldn't. At least now that I'm coming to terms with the shame blurryface has been quieter -that's always a plus. I think maybe he was just trying to do just that. Maybe in some stretch blurryface was my subconscious, and maybe Dr. Craver wasn't all wrong. Although i'm pretty sure he was wrong, I'm not completely crossing that off the list. It's true that blurry has come back a few times, but only very few times over the span of the past few weeks since I came out to myself and to my best friend. I don't know what else it could have been other than my mind but at this point I don't even care, as long as he shows up for a few hours i'm happy.

The nightmares are weird though, I don't think i'll mention them to Josh anytime soon. Every night i dream this its set the same - i'm in my childhood home, about nine years old, and i'm with my mom and stepdad and for whatever reason my mom had to keep leaving. The room would get fuzzy and then i was in my bedroom (it was eerily accurate for a dream) and my stepdad would come in to talk to me about something different - but similar, if that makes any sense - and suddenly the room was fuzzy again. I could only see darkness and my old nightlight and i heard my mom yelling at him for some reason i can never remember by the morning. She always slaps him (or maybe he slaps her it's hard to tell). I never leave my room for the remainder of the dream and although its near pitch black it feels almost like the room is spinning around me and my vision is blurry. All i remember is the feeling of motion sickness and somewhat filth all around me as my small, nine-year-old hands clutch the comforter to my freezing body. It's never a nightmare until I hear them fighting and my room is dark, then my physical body is always sick when I wake up from the spinning in my brain.

Oh my, too deep - please stop thinking. I liked it better when my life had sound.

Almost on cue, Josh comes storming into my house and creating all the sound I need to always be okay. He burst into my room with this big shit eating grin on his face and his cheeks were red and I just know this is going to hurt. You know how you can tell your best friends facial expressions and predict what they're going to say? Well i'm standing right in front of Josh's 'cute boy' grin and laugh; i swear he was thirteen sometimes.

"So you know that Brendon guy i've ben kinda talking to?" he started and I nodded, how could I not know of him?

"Okay well you know we've been like talking talking, and he wanted to meet up today, I told you that right, and when I got there he was like 'oh hey' and I was like 'uh hey what's up?' So yeah and then he started hardcore flirting like for a really long time like the whole time. And so right when I said I had to go because I was meeting you somewhere he asked me out and I was like 'duh!' No, I didn't say 'duh' but I thought it. So I said yeah and I left and I haven't stopped smiling - Tyler I can't stop smiling, i'm so happy!"

I was grinning, it had all hit me so fast i was still trying to even comprehend what he said, "Dude congratulations i'm so happy for you," I lied enthusiastically, "Thats awesome, Josh."

"Thanks man, and I know right? I haven't been this ecstatic in so long, god.

"Its cool bro,'' I laugh and pull my phone off the charger, "you ready?"

He nods and set his bag down and while I was in shock and kind of hurt I'm just glad he didn't forget about our annual "fourth date.'' For the past year or two somehow we conjured up the tradition of going out on the fourth of every month and just doing whatever looked fun. Since this was October fourth, we can't go do much outside and while driving around Josh noticed a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant with a skating rink connected to it. I agree, chivalrously, knowing full and well that this is going to leave me falling for him in every sense of the word. We decided to eat after skating so we don't end up getting sick which, in all honesty, would end up actually happening. We pay each the six dollars for our roller blades and find a seat to fix them on our feet. I expressed my uncomfy and unsure feeling but he just rolls his eyes and pulls me up by my hand. What an ass. Every so often I would wobble and end up squishing him but one time of them all I almost fell and - I hate how cheesy this sounds but - when he picked me up I fell in love all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yee-hoo hey this took a while sorry but i've been typing it on my computer so its making me able to write more because the computer format makes it look like I'm not writing a lot but in reality it was like 1020 words not 700 which is what it looks like in this format idk i like this also i'm on a roll sorry for spelling/grammar errors
> 
> ~xorachie <3 (:


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